On moving and my ever-changing dream

“Everyone’s afraid of changes. Staying, moving on, staying, moving on. We keep repeating the same things again and again.”

  1. 2017/07. Graduated from uni. Moved back to my parents’ house in Cibubur, left Bandung for good (TMI: somehow I’ve always longed to be back in Bandung).
  2. 2017/08. Started working, so I had to move closer to my workplace training hub in Kemang.
  3. 2017/10. Stayed in Kemang for 2 months, only to move to Kelapa Gading for one month on-the-job training.
  4. 2017/11. Moved back to Kemang once again to finish whatever training’s left.
  5. 2017/11. Once I was done with training, it was time for the real job. I was assigned to the headquarters office in Sudirman (up until now actually). I split rent with a friend of mine, a room for two near Blok M, which lasted for about 3 months.
  6. 2018/02-ish. Moved back to my parents’ house to save up on rent. Didn’t work at all, as the traffic was insane. I was exhausted from waking up too early and arriving home too late, plus I wasn’t doing great with my parents. It was chaos. 10/10 would not recommend.
  7. 2018/09-ish. Decided to moved out once again. Rented a place in Kuningan (two of my friends lived there already, so it was a referral). On my own for the first three months, then split rent with my other friend for a year or so.
  8. 2019/10. Things happened. Thought about saving up on rent once again. Persuaded my parents to renovate my deceased grandma’s house in West Jakarta. Granted, lived there for 6 months with my brother who recently just graduated. It was okay, but then COVID-19 hit. Somehow the house in Cibubur was being renovated so my family sort of moved back to West Jakarta. Everybody lived in the same house once again. Not a good situation, especially for my mental wellness and WFH situation.
  9. 2021/04. My dad wanted to sell the house in West Jakarta, so I took the news as my cue to move out once again. I rent a room not too far from my grandma’s house, as I’m already way too comfortable in West Jakarta.

TLDR; I have moved 9 times in 4 years.

Here I am living alone. Again. And this time, it’s for the best.

After several years of trials-and-errors I finally know I prefer to live alone, even when my family is just around the corner. Not everyone’s gonna agree with me, but there’s no point of sticking up to something futile. There are a lot of ways to care for your family without physically being with them all the time. There are people that I can only love from a distance.

Mayhap this is also a part of being an adult. Accepting that it’s time to face the world alone, leaving my nest (kind of, I mean, humans are social beings but a unique individual as well). Defining my own path and dreams, instead of having others (e.g. my parents) decide it for me. I know this makes me sound like an insolent child, yet I want to choose the life I want to live.

I want to choose my own ‘suffering’, this way I can be self-accountable towards whatever result my decisions may bring. It’s going to be hard, but I hope it’s worth the risk. I hope I will be brave enough and strong enough to face whatever life throws at me, with the support from people around me.

Dream doesn’t need to be anything grand
You can just become anyone

We deserve a life
Whether it’s big or small, you’re still just you

(Paradise — BTS)

Talking about defining my own path and dreams had my stomach in knots, since I don’t really have any big ambitions to achieve. Like the fire I had in my early 20s (being a *puke*successful career woman*puke*) was gone, replaced by something softer and warmer. Sometimes I wonder, did I really give up? Or was it a change of heart as a grown-up? In the end, change is inevitable. And it’s okay.

Every time I look at my peers, I see never-ending competition and comparison between who I want to become vs. who I should’ve become. It’s honestly fucking tiring (yes, I swear in my blogpost). The toxic comparison kinda gets in my head from time to time. For that reason, I need to remind myself that my dreams may not look like others’, yet it is my creation and my burden.

I think mostly (like the big picture) I want to be at peace with what I have. I want to feel at home within myself. I want to work with purpose and meaning (with enough earnings as rewards). I want to build healthy relationships with the people of my choosing. These were not the goals I learnt back in college (in which goals must be specific, testable, attainable, and relevant). Yet all these abstract concepts are my desires in life (for now). I’m trying to figure out how to reach it.

If it has to be something specific, maybe I want to live abroad (hehe). Dreams may change later in life. And when it does change, I shouldn’t hold them too tight as it is time to let that one part go.

So this is me, trying my best to live life. To cultivate dreams. To grow with strong roots, instead of tall trunk and branches (not that it’s a bad thing though). Wish me luck. And I wish you luck too.

(P.S. Joon, I hope you’re proud of me using part of trees in my blog post!)

this is some sort of public diary slash romanticization of life slash trash can of my emotions.